Tuesday, July 29, 2008

It's not me, but...

Just had a difficult moment, and it was mostly due to wanting something for him that he didn't want. Most of the time, my self assurance and confidence are in place, so moments like this usually don't phase me - I just seem to be a little more teary lately, even with all the monumental toileting moments we've had recently.

It's a hot summer afternoon, and he loves to play in spraying water toys in the backyard. But also in our backyard is our air conditioning unit. To say that he loves it does not even begin to describe the relationship he has with AC units. He cannot stay away from them. If he sees one, he runs to it, and if kept from doing so, we are treated to the Eagle Shriek, as we call it: a high pitched, VERY loud short shriek which, when experienced at point blank range in one's ear can render it shut down for several minutes, and if experienced in a shopping mall or grocery can make innocent bystanders jump at the least - or shriek a little themselves - and give him or me some oh-so-understanding blistering comment, which I'm very good at ignoring. Anyway, I brought out some of his new water toys that he got for his birthday last weekend. He even chose which one he wanted first. Then, he heard the AC unit on. He ran to it - no surprise. But even after I had set up the water-spinning penguin, he would not be moved. So darn it, I took him by the hand and walked him toward the new toy. I mean, it spins, there is water...what's there not to like for an autistic kiddo? But no, he fought me, gave the Eagle Shriek several times, and ran back to the AC unit. And I, in a not-so-proud moment, said, "Okay fine, I'll see you later," and went inside. He's outside with his beloved AC unit, grunting and stimming away over the spinning fan, and I'm inside licking my "wounds" and feeling sad.

I really need to be better than this - I know he's not rejecting me - he just is so obsessed by the AC unit that his mind can't get beyond it. Kind of like in Finding Nemo - there is a fish in the dentist's tank that loves bubbles, and he just waits by the treasure chest for the bubbles to come and when they do, he grabs the chest and says "bubbles, bubbles, bubbles!" despite everything else around him. My heart breaks at times like this, and as hard as I try to always have my Strong Mommy of Autistic Child guard up, there are times that my heart bursts through the guard and I just want to be able to play with my son and have ME be more interesting than the fucking AC unit.

2 comments:

nonie said...

I hear you and feel your pain.
It is so easy to feel personally inadequate...but please know you are doing what you can at this moment and you are great.
I read this comment yesterday...
"All kids are gifted, some just open their packages earlier than others"...Michael Carr.
I do not know who that is but I do believe what he said. love....

lemming said...

(sends hugs)

No parent is perfect. There are always going to be moments when we doubt, when we weep, when we fear. You are doing all of the right things. Sometimes it really is best to walk away for a moment.